Facebook Feed Your Brain

My friend has left today to spent some time at his halls. My flatmate is in her room and I’m just sort of sitting here, not doing anything. It’s a very nice day so I might go outside and read a book or something… Pfft.. who am I kidding? I’ll just sit here all day. It’s already decided, don’t have control over it.

Lazy today, very lazy. I’m in the kitchen and the tap isn’t fully turned off and it’s just dripping. I could get up and turn it off, but instead I’m just going to sit here and let it annoy me for a little longer. Basically subjecting myself to the Chinese water torture because I can’t be bothered to move. Does this count as self harm? Maybe it does. That would be worrying… Before I know it, I’ll be asking Tesco shop assistants for vegan strawberries and telling them how I believe that people having genitals is a social construct.. It’s a slippery slope to having neon blue hair and being offended by everything. This blog would be on Tumblr. What else.. ooh!.. tattoos! I would have a lot of tattoos. Not just any tattoos, they would be deep and meaningful tattoos. I would cover myself in misunderstood quotes by George Orwell. Actually no, that’s too well researched. They would be made up quotes from Facebook.

Have you ever Googled some of the shit that’s quoted on Facebook. It’s a guilty pleasure of mine. No, I don’t have anything better to do. That’s why I’m writing a blog. Most of the quotes turn out to be real, but every now and then you read something that just does not fit. Feels a little like putting a sock on with the heel bit on the wrong side of your foot. Have you ever done it? It’s a horrible feeling. You Google this strange quote and find no evidence of the person having said it. Then you equip a cocky smile, write out a mean message to whoever posted the quote. You’re angry at them for misleading people. Then you sort of calm down, remove the message and carry on scrolling down as if nothing ever happened.

Scrolling down on Facebook is a dangerous thing. People have this compulsive habit of scrolling down fully on websites. You’re always scrolling on the internet. Always scrolling down. Most websites have a bottom. The pit ends and you see page numbers. Then you move onto page 2 and scroll down again. You never make it to page 3. No. That would border genocide. But you see, this is not the case on Facebook. As you descend down this elevator of statuses and shared images, more appear. There is no end to it. It’s a bottomless pit. It gets worse too. Sometimes a little blue ellipse appears on the top of your screen. It reads “New Posts” (or something like that). You click it. You’re now back at the top, being told that there are cheap Gadgets for sale. You read the advert and down you go again, revising it all. It’s a pass time for many people. Not to mention that you’d have to be super lucky to actually see a status. Most of the stuff on that news feed is just your 5000 friends sharing junk. Gifs, Videos, Adverts, pictures of people in clubs, articles titled “You won’t believe what this man found in a forest” or “You will never guess what she saw in these pictures”.

I’m thinking that’s where all my time must go. It all goes into scrolling down on Facebook. Good thing I don’t use Twitter or I would be at least 9 out of 10 fucked. Another thing that’s worth noting is the state of mind you are in when you scroll. You’re sort of brain dead, it’s like sleeping. Basically a scrolling zombie. Mentally, a vegetable, sitting there and ignoring things. A sleeping potato (or carrot or [insert mainstream vegetable name]), you are not aware of anything that’s around you until you are distracted by something or someone. All that exists is that little scroll bar on your right. It’s getting smaller and smaller.

People think that humanity will be wiped out by the global warming, meteorites, ISIS, North Korea, nuclear weapons, Donald Trump, more flopping Ice Age movies or even Jesus. I think that’s all wrong. Humanity will end through Facebook. We will get to a stage when everyone is friends with everyone and we’re all just sitting in our beds scrolling. Then someone famous but annoying will post something so incredibly stupid that everyone will curl up a little ball and die. That’s how it will end. I can tell who will post it too. It will probably be Katie Hopkins…

I’m done with this post now, I’m going to scroll down on Facebook now.

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