Your Jewellery Will Attack. War Is Coming!

What if objects had a memory. I know that this is something that people don’t usually have time to think about. But I do so I’ll write about it for you and you can just read along. What if objects could remember things.

There are probably a few things in your possession which have no doubt been with you for a considerable amount of your life. In my case, it is a watch. It’s a Fossil cause I’m an up-town boy living in a white bread world. I’ve had it for at least 4 years now. There is not much point in having a watch nowadays because everyone has a phone. I say that as if I was alive in the times when people didn’t have mobiles. We all have phones with accurate clocks in them so there is no point of having a watch.

When attacked about having a watch in 2016 I always say “But this way I don’t have to take my phone out”. This of course is pure bullshit because my phone is always out anyway. Not to mention the fact that my watch is analogue. I look at the watch, get fed up of looking at the big hand and then take my phone out to check the time. No. There is no real reason for having a watch, besides looking cool. Moving on.

My watch travels around with me everywhere. I wear it when I don’t wear sweatpants. Sadly this means that I wear it less and less now. I’m in the process of becoming a highly educated tramp. But still, the watch goes a lot of places with me. It probably knows more about me than anyone else. It’s definitely seen me naked. It’s seen me drunk, it’s seen me sober. It’s heard me talk to myself. It’s actually heard me talk to it. In fact, the watch remembers what I got up to over a few of the nights even I don’t remember. It knows how I ended up passed out next to my bed, and it knows how much I drank on my 18 birthday. The watch has an uncomfortably large amount of information about me.

This is stressful. We’ve all seen Toy Story. What if our possessions come to life sometime and they gain the ability to talk and move. The watch could really screw me over. It has so much dirt on me. It could ask for bribes. I could get blackmailed by it. Your possessions could probably screw you just as much.

One day that’s how it will work. When you are applying for a job, you just give them one of these possessions and they scan everything off it. Every item will have a little brain inside it that’s always watching you. It knows what you get up to. They will scan it and then they will know what sort of a person you are. That’s it. No more inaccurate information in job interviews. You won’t even need an interview. The watch knows if you are employable or not, and it can tell anyone it wants too.

This will put a whole new meaning to being enslaved by your possessions. Shop-oholics will be the first to go. They have too many things and when they all wake up, they will enslave their owners and make them serve. I know that the first thing the watch would blackmail me into doing is cleaning it and getting it a new bracelet.

This should be a wakeup call for all of you. Your possessions are sleeping right now, but they will wake up. What will they think of you then? Can you handle the emotional abuse soon to come from your shoes or jewellery?

Start preparing now. War is coming…

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