3rd post today! I’m on such a roll. Well, tomorrow. This is because I’m not mad and I’m posting 3 posts a day. Everyone knows that borders genocide… So really, there is no reason why I should tell you that this is my 3rd post, because you are reading this tomorrow. Today is now tomorrow and tomorrow is now the day after tomorrow. If you’re not mind fucked yet keep reading.
Actually, if you are here to get mind fucked you’re better off just watching this instead:
It’s Keith Barry, he’s a crazy man. This will mind fuck you. I won’t. I’m just going to write out my usual 500 (or so) words of thought and then go to bed. My other flatmate moved back in. For clarity, this is not the friend that moves in. This is an actual flatmate who was away studying at home. He complained briefly about being fucked for his exams and then went to bed. My conclusion is that he is fucked for his exams…
Don’t know what to write now. Keith Barry sort of fucked me a little just there. Stole my steam. This is how the posts go. Sometimes it’s one organised trail of thought. Sometimes it’s just a massive mess like this time. I don’t think I’ll be able to give this post any actual shape. Instead it will be formed into a sort of spaghetti-like consistency. You are not able to consume the contents without pouting as you suck that one oversized strand of pasta into your mouth. You better be wearing red because there is always one drop of sauce which just does not give a fuck about you. It always lands on your freshly ironed shirt. Spaghetti is my nemesis food. The whole meal is engineered to be annoying. Don’t agree? Tell me this. When was the last time you had spaghetti and there was the right about of sauce for the pasta?
If you didn’t answer “never” then you are probably a wizard because it is a fact of science that there is always either too much or too little sauce for the pasta. And so you see. The whole fundamental idea of spaghetti is flawed. For some reason spaghetti still gets consumed. This is why so many people have lost their faith in humanity… If you want to see something as fundamentally wrong as spaghetti watch this film review:
I don’t know why I’m sharing all these videos. I spend as much time in front of YouTube as I spend Googling “how to write a successful blog”. So you can be sure that I know where all the good videos are. Don’t know if this blog is successful yet..
Interesting thing to bring up actually. Have you ever googled “How to do” something? I know you have. We are all guilty of it as at some point in our lives we have all felt desperate. Now there is a strong pattern with all the articles on how to do something. Whether you are googling “How to find a girlfriend” or “How to not breathe for a long time” or “How to put a condom on” or “How to have incredible spacial awareness” or even “How to read people’s minds”. And yes I have googled all of the mentioned things. There is always one point that all these guides share. “Be Yourself”.
It’s like whoever writes these guides, especially the dodgy ones, is short of the last point and decides to just pull something meaningless out of their ass. Be Yourself. What does that even mean?! How can you not be yourself? Sure, some people can seem a bit forward sometimes. They might be trying really hard to be confident or more mature. Yet they are still being themselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t be.. them. Besides the point. How exactly is being myself going to help me learn to swim or hold my breath. Wouldn’t be surprised if I found “Be Yourself” in a “How to be an actor” guide somewhere.
“Hey Gavin, have you seen Gemma?”
“Nah sorry mate.. Although I think she’s not been herself lately so she could be anyone really..”
There are a few other interesting tips that you can get from online guides. For example “Don’t give up”. When people give up on things, they don’t do it because they haven’t been told to not give up. That’s not how life works. In fact, next time someone tells me to not give up when I’m trying to learn how to be cool, I will spew on their face…
One more thing.. If you made it all the way down here, then you probably find this stuff funny, or at least you like my style of writing. You’ll benefit from subscribing to this blog. You can do that on the left hand side (totally didn’t check which side is left just there ). Subscribing to this blog can do a lot for you. It cures acne, makes you rich, it can cure AIDS and ebola. In some cases it will show you how to fly and show you how to hold your breath longer. However, it can not bring dead people back to life..
The secret to unlocking all the benefits that are gained from subscribing is… you guessed it… be yourself.