I’ve written this post already, but it wasn’t up to my standards so I removed it and now I’m starting again. I wish you could do that with real life mistakes. When you accidentally bitch about someone and realise that they are behind you, you simply highlight everything you said and press backspace. And it’s gone. Sorted. No beef, no angry arguments. Nobody holding grudges. Just sorted. Unfortunately this backspace technology has not been developed yet and we are often having to take things back or apologise. I guess it’s up to me to develop it, here is how:
Well this is where I come in. I’m in Scotland and today is the day of Scottish elections. Unfortunately this means that a lot of people will stop being friends because they will end up voting differently. Fortunately I can resolve this. I wish to formally introduce my own application for being in charge. This is a bit different, this election will be world wide and it’s for a dictatorship, not democracy. This idea is to make me king. Here is what I will give you when you all elect me as the king of the universe.
- Cookies I will channel the world bank money into the bakeries of the world. Everyone will have an abundance of cookies and other biscuit like products. Oreos, Fox’s biscuits, Digestives. You name it. The world needs cookies and that’s why it shall receive cookies.
- Backspace Machine The backspace machine will be a machine that will be used to cancel what you have said about someone. So instead of saing “Garry, I take that back”. You can just press a button and it is taken back for you. I came up with this invention a few minutes ago and it will be the main advantage of having me ruling the world. If you don’t elect me, I wont have the money to develop it.. so you don’t really have a choice. If you want the machine, you have to vote for me.
- Terrorism As part of my rule I will be getting rid of terrorism. However I will not be doing this through the current means of warfare. No. I will end it by making everyone wear “the amazing bulletproof” suits. These will resemble large condoms that people will put onto themselves and wear around the place. The only difference, apart from the size, is the fact that these will be fully bullet and knife proof. Everybody knows that condoms are flexible, so as soon as you are born you will be put in one and and it will just stretch as you grow. That way people can’t kill each other. This condom will be so strong that it will absorb all impact. You will be immune to all violence, so will everyone. And if that’s not enough for you, these full body, high strength condoms will serve as incredibly efficient contraception. Boasting a 0% chance of pregnancy the teenage pregnancy rates will plummet. This solves the question whether abortions are ethical or not, because pregnancy will just not be a thing. People allergic to latex will be cured by means provided below.
- Medicine We all know that humanity is constantly ill. We still have many incurable diseases. And yes, there is already ongoing research to end those. However I have another solution. You see, sometimes you need a dictator that can think outside the box. Have you ever told someone who is ill to stop? I bet you haven’t. To be honest, neither have I. But I think it could work. This is why the department of medicine under my leadership will tell people to stop in a safe and professional manner. We don’t know if it will work, but hey! It’s worth a try.
- Units This is another great world resolution. I went to subway today and ordered a foot-long. As I was allowing the foot-long to enter my body (heheheh), I thought about why it is a foot-long instead of a 30cm? Don’t we know that the metric system which has all units in the base of 10, just like our decimal system, is a lot more comfortable to use. For some reason many countries, including the UK and USA still use imperial, at least for some things. This is unacceptable in the same day and age as the backspace machine. From now on there will be just one unit. It shall be called “felt”. 1 felt represents 1 meter or 1 foot. I know that one foot is not equal to 1 meter, but we will just have to make that work from now on. There is more, the felt will also represent weight, pressure, temperature, and all other units really. All except for Newton, cause he was cool. Through equal compromise we can make this work. Next time someone says that they are “1.7 felt” you know that they could be 1.7 meters or 1.7 feet tall and weigh 1.7 kg or 1.7 stone. And you’ll just be left to make up your own mind about them. Sorted. You now have the freedom of choice.. In a dictatorship.
Of course there are many more policies that I will deploy as the new world leader. They couldn’t possibly all fit in this post. So without any further delay, next time you are given the opportunity to vote in your local elections, please make sure to vote for me so that all of these things can happen. You can also support my campaign by following this blog. This can be done on your left hand side, after scrolling up a little.
See You and Go me!