Beaches Will Kill You

So this post is being written on my phone on a train. I’m on my way home and the keyboard there is probably just as bad as syphilis so I’m planning ahead. Today’s topic is beach.. If you don’t know what they look like, imagine a very small, half flooded, slanted desert. That’s what they look like. It’s just a sandy slope that leads down to water. Usually salty water.. Sometimes on the way into the water you can stumble over people exposing their body parts to the universe. The purpose of this ritual is to get those body parts to turn a little more brown…


photo by Hermitage Bay

Here is the link Beach.

Let’s go with that. Why do we get so excited about people having tans. People splash out on infrared beds to get tans indoors. Notice the use of the word “splash” on a beach related post. How funny is that? Tans are not healthy. There is a risk of getting sun burnt which can contribute to skin cancer. I guess no pain no gain. People still go and get tanned. There is a certain element of excitement to be gained for living “on the edge”, but I’m not sure if getting a tan counts.

Unfortunately people’s parts turning dark isn’t the topic of this post so we will pursue it no longer. The real interesting thing about a beach is the sand. People tend to smile when they talk about sandy beaches. For some reason it’s great. This of course is a social construct. Just like gender. Sand is not fun. It’s not pleasant and it is definitely not relaxing. The whole substance absorbs kinetic energy from your feet. This makes you get more tired from walking and running on sand. We all know that being tired sucks. That’s why we sleep.

The entire texture of sand gets in the way of life, grainy and annoying. It will infiltrate your most private parts, cause rubbing and burning and it you will continue to find it in your hair for the next week. If there is anything worse than sand, it’s wet sand. This horrible compound is created by combining sand with water, just like on a beach. It will cause the same burning and rubbing, however it will also stick to your skin and make you unable to put your socks back on.

That’s always been an issue for me on a beach. Everyone is desperate to take shoes + socks off and walk in the ankle deep water. I’ve never felt the need. First of all, I am in Scotland so putting parts of your body into the water around here is the equivalent of just happily dipping them into liquid nitrogen. Secondly, after walking barefoot, you will want to put your socks and shoes back on. This is the real problem. How do you get all the sand off your feet when you are in one of the most sandy places you could find? The answer is that you can’t. You have to dig deep and bear the sandy feet for the rest of the day.. If you ask me, it’s game over. If you get into that situation you loose the game. It’s over, you might as well just reset and start from scratch.

Sand takes lives. We treat it as something innocent, but it isn’t. Have you ever heard of quicksand? Huh? Not so cheerful now.. And how do you know that your local beach will not turn into quicksand when you are on it. Sure there is science that says it can’t. But can you really be certain? Science has been wrong before.. Like when they said that the earth is round, which it isn’t.

I am left with no choice but to say this; when I am the king of the universe (in the previous post, I talk about this), I will employ a work force of vacuum cleaners. The job of these will be to vacuum up any sandy beach and save us all the inconvenience. I know it’s an extreme measure, but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures. This sand crisis cannot be left unattended.

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