Secret To Health Is Sending Me Stuff

Today’s topic is Sacrifice. Another feely one, but I’m confident I can get a few laughs out of this. Sacrifice is when you put your hand into a small cookie jar and grab some cookies. Then you realise that the fist formed by grabbing a cookie prevents your hand from leaving the jar. This is what sacrifice is. You  now have to break your wrist to get the cookies. No pain no gain. Sacrifice.


photo by Polymath38

Paragraph in and I’m realising that sacrifice should be spelt “sacrifice”. Sadly that’s a different thing. If you don’t know what “sacrifice” is, it is actually the equivalent of my cookie jar analogy except from the point of view of the jar. Take from that what you will.


The whole concept is a bit old fashioned. We like to inflate our chests and say “oh it was a worthy sacrifice”. This is not really how it is. When you sacrifice something you are being greedy. You have something, but instead of being happy with what you have, you are willing to give it away. Potentially risking it for something that’s better. Sacrifice sounds noble and fancy. But really it’s just business. Or a gamble. People get all up themselves when they talk about having sacrificed something. I always make sure to give them “you are just a greedy little fuck like myself and everyone else” eyes. There is nothing about sacrifice that makes it special except for the odd religious reference.

I’m going to give you a few examples of myself sacrificing things. Last time I was buying alcohol I made sure to buy an extra bottle of rum. This was a sacrifice. People have fake IDs now. I used to have one too. By buying the extra bottle I am saving some 16 year old from drinking it. It’s a worthy sacrifice of my money. It goes on. Fast food is fattening and unhealthy. When we split something with my friends, I always make sure that I eat the most to save their health at the cost of losing mine. I don’t do these things because I like rum and chicken. I do it because I care. I really do. Moving on.

So as a tribute to sacrifice, I wish to make you all a generous offer. We must work together to save this world from the poison of alcohol and unhealthy foods. The only way to do this is to have our own Jesus. I volunteer for this role. From now on, you will all need to smash the piggy banks and send me money. This money will be a worthy sacrifice as it will be spent on alcohol and unhealthy, but delicious, food. I will then consume these items and so prevent your health from deteriorating. I don’t do this because I want to. I do this because we are facing a crisis and someone must step up to sacrifice their health for the well-being of others. Along with money, you can also send unhealthy things like video games. home baked goods. Comfortable couches and chairs. Sunbeds. Makeup, preferably unopened so that it can be sold. And anything else that you feel could damage your health.

Please help spread this message by following the blog and social media pages. We must save the world together. And the only way this can be done is with me taking your all your shit.


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