There are a few things in life that have the power to temporarily make you want to stop living. The obvious include, Katie Hopkins, Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler. None of those beat getting hit in the little toe..
That’s right! It probably has happened to you! You were walking through a doorway and accidentally rammed the edge of your foot into the side. The little toe absorbs all of the impact.
The pain is beyond anything imaginable. However it is not the pain that’s the issue. The main struggle is the way the pain behaves. You see, this is no usual pain. It is not to be endured by mere mortals. The little toe pain was created by the Spraxius, the god of shoes. Spraxius got a new pair of Nikes. He bought the Nikes from a human. He was furious when they didn’t fit on his god-feet. This is why he punished all humans with the ultra sensitive little toe. The little toe pain behaves like a god-pain:
At first, after the collision, you feel fine. A part of you is thinking that maybe, just maybe, you got away with it. Denial! It will hurt. You know how hard you hit.. You just want to believe that you’ve dodged the bullet. In reality the bullet is just waiting for you to let your guard down. If ISIS got their hands on these waiting-bullets we would all be screwed..
The pain builds at the precise point of you thinking you dodged it. It starts gentle, like a light shower. It rapidly builds to the equivalent of a cat-2 hurricane.. There is no escape. You will not get away from this. You fucked with the little toe, now you must pay.
At this point you are faced with one of the important choices. When the pain starts to peak, Mr. Brain will ask you what to do. There are only 2 choices. Endure the agony or give up. Giving up is the best option. To give up, you press “Esc” to bring up the game menu. You then press the “Exit” button. The game will close and you won’t have to deal with the little toe.
Having experienced this pain myself, it is clear that the little toe is underestimated in all martial arts and violent conflicts. There is no opponent a simple toe-kick can’t beat. This should be included as in the initial anti-bully training. All abused kids will be taught the toe-kick! This toe kick will save their skin in all bullying situations. Additionally the toe kick will prove highly effective to all special forces and governments. Why nuke a country when you can kick its authorities in the little toe. Instead of trying to build missiles, North Korea can start focusing its resources on the little toe research…
What if we didn’t have little toes. Sure, Spraxius would get pissed, but he can’t really talk. Humanity is doomed because of a pair of cheap Nikes. This is why it’s a good call to just ban little toes. Anyone found in possession of a little toe will be criminally charged. This is for their own safety.
Let’s end differently. I’m going to do a little reverse psychology today. If you have ever hit your little toe, do not follow this blog or the social media pages. The idea is that you still will…