2 Weeks In A Forest With No Baby Wipes

I’ve been thinking about something for a long time (about 3 minutes). Humanity is getting more and more obsessed with hygiene. We are now washing twice a day, brushing our teeth after every meal and generally not touching anything. Have you noticed this?

People who consider themselves “hygienic” range from not liking dusty rooms to washing their hands 4 times before every meal and eating crisps with cutlery. However, I feel like there are more and more examples of the latter.

Some people shudder at the thought of germs being in their room. Yet germs are everywhere. Right now, you have germs on your hands and lips. If that made you jump up and frantically sprint to the bathroom to wash; you have a problem. You probably wiped your hands and face with a used towel which means the germs are back in town again!

Why is this? Well, myself and a group of well-researched experts, here at the Department Of Complaining About Everyday Things, believe that it is because we aren’t living a dirty life anymore. Back in the day food was hunted, caught, harvested, grown and picked. Now all of these actions are done in supermarkets. Throwing different colours of boxes into a shopping cart is much cleaner than going out onto your field and picking tomatoes all day. Same goes for travel. No more dirty horses. You now get a car! Much cleaner than a horse. We have slowly removed all the dirty things from the everyday life of your average “privileged white person”.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the fact that I don’t have to stand balls deep in a freezing river, trying to catch a fish. I also don’t have to scale it or make it into fillets. I like constantly smelling of… whatever this deodorant is trying replicate. At the same time, watching people who only wear white, clean their house 6 times a week and eat in plastic gloves, simply fucks me up. A dark, deep sadistic part of me just wants to throw them into a forest away from civilisation and watch them survive. See how long they would search for a Tesco before realising you don’t get them outside of towns and cities.

Basic survival training should be covered as part of a curriculum. Everybody has to spend 2 weeks in a forest, without clothes, tools, smartphones. All they will be given is a knife and a radio. Of course, many will not make the 2 weeks and will have to be extracted out, but at least everyone will experience the “dirty life” and maybe start cutting spending on cleaning products.


Welcome to the “Life Perspective” examination area!


My deep, dark and sadistic self, along with everyone here at the DOCAET, would quite like to have this ordeal filmed… For research purposes… Watching “The Island” just won’t cut it anymore. We need to see David Cameron do it.


flickr photo by AJC1 https://flickr.com/photos/ajc1/8975675759 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license

flickr photo by Hannes St https://flickr.com/photos/86449235@N00/21216765212 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-ND) license


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