I have a job interview tomorrow. To be honest it’s my first serious interview. I’ve had interviewish things before, but this is one a serious mother fucker. What do we do when we are faced with such challenges? That’s right! Google!
Google is beautiful. In the previous posts, I’ve used it to reveal some of homo sapiens finest idiocy. Now, however, I am desperately begging it for help. Here is how Google tells us to deal with job interviews…
When I say that, I’m actually referring to people who seek to monetize our distress. People who engineer articles that come up high in searches and manipulate us into buying their book. Their book guarantees success in every job interview. Spend £20 and get dream job! Tempting… With these 200 poorly written pages, I could do anything from becoming a female stripper to replacing Bill Gates. Nothing could stop me… except reality. I guess I’m the type of person these people put in the “sceptic” box.
How to ace an interview? Simple! Learn these answers to the most common questions! Fuck any concept of originality! Fuck being different! Fuck being you! Fuck having experience! Fuck being honest! Fuck any remaining piece of decency and self-respect you might have! Haven’t you heard? The employer wants to see you lie through your teeth.
These articles portray job interviews as some strange circus acts. The person who wins the job is the one who is the best at suppressing everything that makes them a different, original and beautiful human being. The idea is to bring yourself as close to the fake persona described in the articles as possible.
If you don’t have experience, lie about having it. If you have a weakness, pretend that you have overcome it. If you’re asked to describe a time in your life when you had to show initiative, just ram any old shit down their throat.
To be honest it seems like the human part of the interview is becoming more and more redundant. Here is an idea! From now on, instead of asking someone to come over and answer questions, get everyone to send in a link to the article/book that they plan to follow. The employer can then compare the polished answers and decide who deserves the job.
How great would that be? It would save us the pointless exercise of memorising stock answers. At the same time, it would save the employer from the shocking amount of disrespect that is conveyed by us lying straight to their faces.
I don’t know, perhaps there is some crucial part of this game that I’m missing. Maybe making up life experiences, skills, talents, interests and denying any weaknesses really does make you more employable. My only question is how stupid are the employers if they really believe that the person that they are interviewing is the perfect human being.
Wish me luck… I will probably need it. I was too sceptical to buy a book…
flickr photo by Dita Margarita https://flickr.com/photos/ditaditamargarita/7118559995 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license
flickr photo by Brandon Grasley https://flickr.com/photos/brandongrasley/8227882239 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license