Do you brush your teeth? I do. Twice a day except for when I forget. As mainstream as this sounds, you got to do it. I do it and my teeth are celebrating 18 years of no faults with them at all. That’s not true actually… these are new teeth. Going off topic. Today I decided to open up a little and share some deep truths about my teeth brushing experiences. I’m sure you’re interested… trust me…
If went to hell, and hell is the place where you face your greatest fears, I would be stuck in a cage with a lot of people trying to brush my teeth. That’s right. I do it every day, but it terrifies me. Here is why:
I hate retching and gagging. I don’t know. Something to do with being unable to control my mouth and throat really freaks me out. Unfortunately being a student, this is something I often have to face.
Every time I hear “Don’t be a pussy! Take those shots!”, I take the shots.
I like to think that my brain and my body sign a little contract every time we do something. My brain is like “You wanna eat something?” and then my body goes like “ya mon!”. The two get their lawyers and sort out a contract. They both sign it and then I get to eat. It’s a good system it’s worked for the last 18 years; apart from a few incidents where the contract isn’t signed by both parties (cough sleepwalker cough).
Anyway, when someone tells me to take shots, my intoxicated brain goes like “fuck yeah”. It assumes that the body is good with it. Before I know it, I have an internal fight. My body goes like “dude we never signed” and my brain is like “it’s fine”. This is when I start to gag and wretch. Truth be told, the brain and body would rather spew the shots up and redo the whole thing with sufficient legal authority.
So that was just a long-winded way of saying that I often face gagging and retching. The sad thing is that I gag when I brush my teeth. That’s right. When I get to the back side of molars, my body decides that I’m popping its personal bubble and it makes me almost spew. It’s a horrible disability, but one that nobody ever sees. Nobody knows about it. They probably think that I brush my teeth for 4 minutes because I like to go the extra mile. It’s not true. It’s because I have to take breaks.
It’s shit! 2 extra minutes a day for 365 days for 18 years. That means so far I have spent 9 days more than everyone else brushing my teeth. Fortunately, I tie my shoelaces really fast so it might balance it out a little.
Sometimes when disaster strikes, you have to look at the bright side of life. I’m a heterosexual male. This means that I will never have to give someone a blowjob… Imagine the mess.
flickr photo by suthernsir https://flickr.com/photos/suthernsir/253075679 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license
flickr photo by SBSTNC https://flickr.com/photos/sbstnc/5632109572 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license