There is nothing I like more than a good wheel. “wheel” was one of my favourite words as a child. I hold myself strongly emotionally attached to these simple things. Ever since they were invented I’ve been subscribed to their twitter feed and I’ve followed the development and application of each type very closely. I’m a wheel fanatic. A wheelatic. Now that I’ve forced some sort of narrative I wanted to raise a little thought I had when riding a scooter…
Wheels are more energy efficient than legs and fins. You can go faster for less energy. However, every animal that walks on land, walks. Nothing wheels. Why has nature not invented the wheel before we did!?
Think about it! It’s been millions of years of natural selection. Surely animals with wheels would have evolved.
As I was thinking this I began questioning Darwin. How could we have missed this?! How can the theory of evolution be reliable if animals have no wheels! Why are there no leopards with rear wheels or fish with those spinning things that ships have?
At this point, I knew that mother nature is drunk. The bitch has gone completely off her tits. She has no idea what she’s doing. I want my wheeled animals! Where are they? Huh?!
When someone has an interesting job, that they fucking suck at, I always wonder how I would do. I assumed that the position of Mother Nature is gender neutral which means I can probably apply. I realise it’s probably a very competitive position, but I’m confident I could get to at least the interview stage. Once I’m there a little flattery, a little bribery, maybe the odd sexual favour and I have no doubt that I could be the next mother nature.
Over my first day in office, I would focus on one thing. I would not try building walls, neither would I trash the TPP. I wouldn’t ban lobbying or attempt to annoy black people. No. That would totally split my attention and distract my focus from the wheel orientated problem faced by the planet.
My one and only executive order as mother nature would be to evolve some wheels… Yanno, spin things up a little.
It is at this point during my scooter ride, that I was interrupted by my suppressed fragments of sanity and reason. I asked myself how I would evolve the wheel and my world collapsed.
I know you’re all filled with anticipation for my first few days in office, but sometimes even the most beautiful dreams have to collapse.
Nature cannot evolve wheels you spazz! They would have to be separate from the main body so it could never work! How would they grow and what would happen if they fell off? Wheels are mechanical and nature does not do mechanical! It’s against the fucking constitution. No executive order can fix it!
I guess wheelatics can’t have it all… That’s just the way things roll… I’ll stop now.
flickr photo by grace_kat https://flickr.com/photos/g_kat26/4255904954 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license
flickr photo by Brandon Grasley https://flickr.com/photos/brandongrasley/8227882239 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license