The Church Of LAD

The year is now 2017… Exciting for some. Many of us will turn a year older this year. Not all, of course, there are things that will get a little younger this year… Namely, the United States of America could potentially get younger by about 100 years over the next few months. Time will tell. And just like that, your well-planned introduction can get hijacked and fucked by politics… Let’s just assume that the last 72 words introduced the topic correctly. What’s the topic?

That’s right! Today we will examine the inner workings of a select few in the society. This social group is known for its secretive nature and mysterious rituals… Challenged only by the church of Scientology they endure and deliver their mission no matter where or when they find themselves existing. This post will examine exactly what “the LADS” are and what drives them to represent their intricate yet robust lifestyle…

The mission is simple. The aim of “a LAD” is to make everyone around them secretly hope to see the representative of the “Church of Lads” spontaneously ignite and die an agonising death as their skin tissue melts off their bones and highly steroidised muscle cooks.

The group organises it’s missions rather well. Common expeditions such as “LADS on Tour” or “Wingmanning” ” and “On the Pull” are named after previous church leaders, Gavin Ontour and Ross Onthepull and Mark Wingman.

The church has a well-established dominance amongst real men barely pubescent boys. These individuals help to spread the message of the organisation by burying their overpowering insecurities and longing for love with a consistent and uniform persona…

Just like in other walks of life, a member of the LADS is on a journey of fulfilment. As the lad continues to serve their master embodied by Fifa and Call of Duty, they reach “Prestige levels”. These certifications are reflected in their everyday life as the lad progresses in developing the incapability to express feelings, develop intimate relationships, use long words, walk without stirring shit, not get attention and wear appropriately priced clothing.

The uniform worn by the members on missions is often consistent across all members of the mission, also known as a “squad”. The outfit always features jeans/chinos. These are usually skinny as most LADS will want to reveal their feminine and muscle-less legs to potential mates, also known as “basic bitches” (post on this soon). The upper half of the LAD is generally 50% clothing, 25% hair gel, 25% Lynx Excite. The clothing part can either be a blue shirt (occasionally a polo) or a tight sweater. Differing from the LADs lower half, the upper half is always emphasised with “pecs fo dayz” or a “6-pack”. These muscle arrangements are used to compensate for the LAD’s unusually small and often defective reproductive organ.

Squad on a mission



This summarises the LAD. Fortunately, the LAD is so overpowered by stupidity that 500 words is enough to say all there needs to be said about each and every one of these “individuals”.

Please do not be afraid of the representatives, the church is known for being all talk. If confronted, use long words with more than 2 syllables and joined sentences to confuse.


“Lads” Flickr photo by sk8geek shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license

“The lager marketing board (Broadstairs dept)” Flickr photo by Graham Ó Síodhacháin shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license


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