The Bar Problem

It’s been a little break. Now. Before you grab your shotguns (if you’re in the US) and pitchforks (if you’re in a sane country) I should point out that, Facebook-wise, I received far more likes over the period of me not writing… The only logical conclusion is that I’m funnier when I’m not trying, which sounds pretty sense-full…

It wouldn’t be a blog post if you weren’t going to gain something from reading it.Here is a guide on what snack you should buy. Specifically which chocolate bar.

When one takes a break, they have a lot of time to think and come up with some deep shit. That’s exactly what I did. I came up with some deep shit.

We always pick our chocolate bars basing on a few obvious factors. For example, you might pick yours basing on price, size and taste. Some people who pretend to care might seek out fair trade ones. Others have a specific brand they like the most.

This is all good, but we are always forgetting one important factor. We do not think about “Mouth Comfort”. See. Chocolate bars can be a pain to eat. People never acknowledge this as a legitimate disqualifier, but it is.

For example, a Snickers bar can be an absolute fucking pain. Don’t get me wrong, they are very tasty. However, the massive chunks of nuts bite into the top of your mouth and bruise it. The caramel filling drags and goes everywhere. The chocolate cracks and falls off. This bar is not comfortable to eat. Same goes for Lion which is pretty much just a snickers with more bruising bits and a shape that is uncomfortable insert.

Behold “the bruisers”

You don’t agree? Well here is an experiment. Go out and get yourself a Mars bar and a Snickers. Try biting both with your front teeth. Afterwards, collect your teeth from the floor and do to a dentist because the Snickers will fuck you up more than Rocky if you don’t eat it with your maulers.

Too often I am faced with a sight of some innocent soul trying to manoeuvre the dense and hard stick of delicious into the back of their mouth in order to bite through it. Someone somewhere along the line of the Snickers design process thought this sweet was for dogs who like chewing and biting stuff. Humans don’t!

These nutty bars are too hard and that’s just a fact… A fact we all ignore!

So it’s simple! Isn’t it? Simply consider the nuttiness of a bar? No! There is more! The weather, for example, is an important factor. Where are you taking this bar? Everyone has had the experience of taking a Mars bar into the cold and then eating a rock. Mars bars go completely solid when cold. Same for most chocolates, but always seems like the Mars is the hardest to get through in the winter.

Other factors include things like location. Where will you eat your bar? If it’s in your bed, then make sure it’s not a crumbly”Ripple”… You get the idea.

What I’m trying to say is people need to pay more attention to what bar they buy. If they paid attention it would be a different, peaceful and beautiful world. Several scientific reports have concluded that choosing the incorrect bar is the lead cause of the degradation of the Gulf stream.


flickr photo by Brandon Grasley shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license

“Snickers” flickr photo by Leonid Mamchenkov shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license


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