Foods That Don’t Matter

Generally there is an introduction where I try hard to develop some sort of narrative to lure you into clicking “read more”. The introductions are smart and occasionally witty. They are laced with my slick AF humour and inflated with false promises and guarantees. Writing introductions is almost like being a politician. You write until people vote for your post and read it. This translates into views that ultimately mean nothing, but your secretly insecure mind feels validated… temporarily…. Afterwards you realise that these views mean nothing and all joy fades to tears dust… I don’t have anything witty to tell you just now. Just click “read more” and we can start talking about how wrong the world is. TRIGGER WARNING.

I think people have it too easy. I have it too easy, you have it too easy etc. When people have it too easy they start to pay too much attention to very insignificant things. For example, I pay too much attention to who reads this blog. The fact is it doesn’t matter. That’s not the problem though. The problem is… you know it… the fact that people start getting involved with strong opinions regarding certain foods.

First things first, I’m a realist, I like some things more than I like others, but preference comes with a scale. And on this scale there is a little line where “preference” meets being an “extreme nut person”. If you are past this line then there is something wrong with you. You probably have about 3 years unless you subscribe and continue reading my posts (ooooh the sweet validation).

Pineapple on pizza. This simple idea has cost many lives. People have lost friends, family, even went to war over whether it belongs on pizza or not. The answer is obvious.

Triggered yet?

The simple truth is that nobody really gives a shit. If somebody gets pineapple on their pizza they might eat it or they might not. The same goes for olives, mushrooms, capers, fish, meat etc. It doesn’t matter.

Ok?! It really doesn’t matter.


Sweet potato. Yes sweet potato is tasty and great. We get it! Stop fucking worshipping these things. Yes, they are good food, but they are just a vegetable. Just like aubergines and potatoes (don’t you fucking start on me about this one…).


Grass types. Spinach, kale, rocket etc. Everyone has their own favourite. We’ve heard it all before. Healthy! Good for you! Super food! We get it. But is there really a need to worship spinach while condemning those who like a bit of kale? Well the truth is all fans of these things are secretly just bunnies. Bunnies are ferocious animals who have it in their nature to fight over who’s favourite grass type green is superior. Sad thing is, all this stuff just tastes like parts of the same salad.

Finally, mushrooms. There is a weird culty sort of deal going on with people to don’t like mushrooms. Why do I always feel like I’ve not been told something about them. Do these haters meet and discuss their problems (yes. problems)? Feels like this is as good a conversation starter as talking about Trump. Everybody has an opinion. Everybody thinks something about mushrooms. If you both hate them you might well end up married in 2 years time. Go to the meetings together and complain in restaurants. Well, just like with pineapple on pizza mushrooms are simply an ingredient…


“Anonymous Protest” flickr photo by seanpanderson shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license

“BBQ pizza?” flickr photo by Mike Burns shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license


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