Ok let’s talk about things that don’t work. Today’s rant is the Dyson Airblade. It’s a fancy hand dryer often found in public toilets. There is a certain culture around these things… There are groups of people, entire communities and societies focused on talk
ing about these. In scientific terms the Airblade get all da tique pussy. You might be one of these people. I respect that, but I’m sorry, the Dyson airblade is a piece of shit and we should stop idolising it as soon as possible.
“Oh it’s so great! It dries your hands instantly!”
Shut the fuck up! It’s all lies. Has anybody ever used one of these the way they are supposed to be used and aquired a pair of dry hands? You are supposed to put your hands in and move them out, in and out again. The promise is that it will give you dry hands. But it never does! There is always some moisture left!
It cannot be done. I’ve tried every possible way! Move hands faster. Move hands slower. Open fingers. Closed fingers. Nothing works. Sure it dries most of your hands, but you never get the promissed dryness.
The only way so far I have found is tilding hands a little so that the air can hit the sides of your fingers. Yet even this method requires at least 3 in-out movements to aquire a “dry hand”. I will be patenting this as soon as I publish the post so don’t even think about stealing the fruit of my extensive research.
Don’t get me wrong, the hand dryer is quite and good and probably better than most conventional ones. However this is no excuse to exaggerate how good it is. Hands still take a long time to dry. It therefore seems stange that a misadvertised piece of
bird shit machinery should get such a large base of fans.
For weeks and weeks I pondered this phenomenon. Why do people like the Airblade despite its broken promises? The solution found me within a few weeks.
There is one one interesting thing about this waste of space. No matter how loud the music in your earphones is, the noise made by the dryer will still pierce it. The Airblade is loud as fuck. In my humble opinion this is what gets the Airblade all da pussy.
There is a certain level of inteligence under which people start to be attracted to loud things. Expensive cars, firearms and dubstep come to mind… Psychologists refer to this line as the “stupid cunt line”. I think Dyson noticed this and cashed in at the opportunity. They now have ranks of loud supporters and a source of sustainable income. These ranks of dumb dumbs will buy any loud appliance they can find so Dyson need only to continue saving on noise dempening components…
Why do some people like loud things? Well it’s simple really. They use the sound to drown out their inner insecurities and lack of understanding of the world.
I should say that I am tolerant of all opinions and prefferences. There is nothing wrong with being in love with a piece of junk. It just means you are a stupid cunt.
It’s fine if you do, it doesn’t disadvantage you in any way. You can even be the prime minister of United Kingdom.
flickr photo by Brandon Grasley https://flickr.com/photos/brandongrasley/8227882239 shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license
“Dyson Airblade” flickr photo by pmsyyz https://flickr.com/photos/phillipstewart/7280060806 shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license