Are You Woke?

Gonna insult a lot of people today. That’s the plan. The problem is that I limit myself to 500 words and therefore can’t insult everyone a. As a result I will have to put some groups into one box. Fortunately, these people are all pretty much the same and therefore insulting them all at once is really simple.

The group shall be called the “Woke ones”. Woke as in awake. And not awake physically, more philosophically…

So the woke ones are generally kids between the ages of 12 and 23 that believe that they have gained some sort of deeper and more profound insight into the meaning of life. They don’t really know what this insight is and they can’t tell you because “you wouldn’t get it”. People who aren’t “woke” like you or me can never know what this insight is. I don’t know. You don’t know. And we never will because we are too “ordinary”. In official terms, your 3rd eye is closed. A woke person has their 3rd eye as open as a woke female has legs when she sees a camouflage jacket with an anarchy sign on it.

Though none of us “get it”. We do know a few things about this mysterious insight.  Here is what I’ve found out:

It’s about being free. Free in general. Thought it seems like most of the freedom is from true potential, ambitions, responsibilities and intelligence.

It’s about being deep. You got to be deep or you’re not woke. This doesn’t mean you have to be able to quote and discuss the works of Aristotle. No. The focus here is more on discussing weird, ambiguous bits of pseudo-philosophy. The less sense it makes, the deeper it gets and the deeper it gets the more woke you get. In conclusion, you have to chat a lot of shit.

It’s about making the right choices. You almost certainly have to be vegan. You must have friends that have lots of genders. You must stand against violence, war, foreign interventions. You also need to have an unusual political stance, like communism. It’s also good to show how little you know about it by having a contrasting view such as being anti-government while being a communist.

It seems to be greatly about drugs. The more illegal the better (because you must be free from the law). At some point along their development, these little shits decide that getting off their fucking mind every week is some form of “personal development”. Additionally, it creates another great contradiction. You are anti-violence while supporting what is probably the most cruel, violent, corrupt industry in the world! How woke!

Appropriating the cultures of indigenous tribes is also very “woke”.

You got to dress in some pretty interesting ways. There is no clear rule here, but generally, it should not be possible for you to walk down the street without attracting everyone’s attention. You need the validation and this is where you can get it. Additionally, you should do your best to appropriate a culture or a group of people while being completely ignorant of the statement this makes. A nice example is wearing a bindi on your forehead while remaining completely ignorant to how openly disrespectful that is to some passionate about the Indian culture.

You must be different to everyone else. But the way in which you are different should align with the same different everyone else is. Generally, you should aim to be as different as you can in the most predictable ways.

Finally, there is no point of being woke if nobody can see how woke you really are. Make sure people know. You can make people know by dressing weird, getting very offended by very mediocre things or just ensuring that every social media picture you take is on some weird fucking ruin looking serious and thoughtful. If there is no sign of graffiti then it doesn’t count.

Use this to inspire your next Instagram submission.

That’s about it. So… If you have a lot of time and money. If you require social attention to exist. If you feel the need to show everyone how different you are. If you haven’t realised that the most original people are those that do not feel the need to force it. If you can hold 2 opposing views and are willing to insult those less privileged than yourself. If you can convince yourself that spending hundreds on drugs every week does not make you directly responsible for the victims of the war on drugs and the black market. Well if you tick all those boxes then being woke might just be for you.

Mic Drop!


“Wake” flickr photo by kozemchuk shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license

“Bone @ The Anarchist Book Fair” flickr photo by macabrephotographer shared under a Creative Commons (BY-SA) license

“” flickr photo by Samantha Jade Royds shared under a Creative Commons (BY) license


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